Playing Fair and Being Kind

BURN HER DOWN AND GET OUT OF TOWN

I’m preparing to leave Maine for other parts. My intent is to make the usual destination Southern California. I have made connections there that make me happy and loved. Not exclusively mind you. I feel happy and loved most places. Southern California has a larger population of friends and relatives outside of Maine.

This past period of living here in Boothbay has been bitter-sweet. I’ve written some really nice poetry and short stories. I’ve had successes like that and I’ve suffered a few mental and physical setbacks as well. During the early fall I needed to call an ambulance to take me to Mid-Coast Hospital because I had trouble breathing, the diagnosis being bi-lateral pulmonary embolism; could have died or had a stroke.

I made great strides with my therapist in understanding my impulsive nature and in beginning to comprehend my needs for privacy and for independence. I made my friendship with my Louisiana pal closer although we see each other rarely throughout the year. I have tightened other friendships and I now feel like I have enough associations to keep me busy enough.

The men’s group in Boothbay is perking along nicely. We have deepened the level of revelations thanks to a few of the men who are fearless. The others have followed suit and the group is forming along helping and supportive lines. Doug Fowle and I figured it would take three years to form the group and we are on schedule. This spring will mark three years. The group is formed and is refining.

A major setback happened with my bank. I had taken the bait of responding to their suggestion that I do a home improvement loan. Through a series of false starts, unintentional consequences, and decisions that were minus the thought process, I and the bank ended up growling at each other and then I needed to abandon the process of taking a loan with them regarding making home improvements. That exercise left me reeling but still with both feet planted. I had the foresight to promise myself that if the loan did not go through I had not lost any ground. In fact I had not lost anything.

Much of what I experienced this past year while living in Boothbay uncovered a condition that I have been living with for all my life. I read and heard several pieces of information that led me to understand that I may be in possession of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Without going into detail just believe that I believe and trust the diagnosis. It explains a lot. Much of what has bothered me with my life can be traced to this diagnosis. There is a feeling of relief connected to it and I have the feeling my life can get better and that I can be a better companion to others that was not possible before. Of course I know enough to be cautious with my feelings of elation. What detail I can go into is this; my life has been a series of in-completions. I have a wonderful and imaginative brain. I have terrific ideas which sometimes I act upon and then let the project or idea dwindle in interest until it lies unattended and incomplete. The event or project stays saved for “the future when I have more time”. That never happens. I have a workshop filled with “Some days” as is my house. “Some day I will get to that”. I have so many unfinished projects that it is impossible to begin anything new because their existence crowds out any possible space for new things. Such is the reason for the title of this blog entry; “Burn her down…”. I am so confused and hogtied because of the number of incomplete items in my life I just want to burn down the house and start over.

So with all of this in mind I am driving toward the south, the west, and the sun. I got the tires on the SAAB changed from studded snow tires to regular highway tires. I caught the weather just right this year. The ground was cold but dry and the sky was going to be clear for about 4 or 5 days in a row. Perfect. I couldn’t have planned it better. I got the tires switched out and Mark Mason of Mason Imports in Union, Maine replaced the left ball joint on the car. He previously had replaced the brake rotors on the back wheels so I am good to go. I leave town and take the usual route to the Tappan Zee Bridge in New York. I’m not stopping this year to see Kendall in Mount Kisko due to scheduling conflicts. I buzz on through to New Jersey and run down the Garden State Parkway for a few miles until I can swing back east to pick up the New Jersey Turnpike near the stadium where the Giants and Jets try to play football, Met Life Stadium.

I don’t have a plan for where I will stay or when I will stop. My simplest idea is to get to Norfolk, Virginia and book a room at the Navy Lodge. There are a couple of places where Navy Lodge exists so I am certain that I will be able to get in without a problem. Just the same I have a niggling doubt which always adds to the adventuresome nature of my road trips.

I ate last at Reins Deli in Connecticut just above Hartford. My diet consists of everything for the moment. I have yet to be challenged in my food choices so my recent switch to vegetarian-aspiring-to-be-vegan process has been interrupted. Considering I am not concerned for animals that much I am only eating for my own physical health. Soon in the trip I will be cornered and corrected by one of the most inspiring vegans on the planet. In this moment however I stumble along in ignorance.

It takes me a while to travel the Jersey Turnpike for whatever reasons. I am in no rush now that I am within striking distance of warmer climes and/or out of reach of the nasty snow storm approaching the New England region. I feel confident in my own lack of foresight and worry. No hurry-no problem sifts throughout my psyche. I am self contained and the car has a history of being reliable. Onward with leisure! I reach Wilmington, Delaware after a few stops to doze on the turnpike. It is close to 9 P.M. And I am traveling with lingering dusk-into-dark. I end up traveling the length of the toll road Route 1 in Delaware and reach the Hampton Roads Bay-Bridge-Tunnel by midnight. I know of a rest stop at the beginning of that section of highway so I use it to catch quite a few Z’s before dawn. At just about 9 A.M. I arrive in Virginia Beach and I search for a breakfast joint.

I’ll stop here and leave you with a poem from recent inspiration.

AN OLD AND TRUSTED FRIEND

A love letter

This feeling won’t subside,

Yesterday the ‘blahs’,

Guilt filled ‘blahs’,

No explaining, no avoiding,

Just… gloom and doom.

What’s the name I’m fumbling for?

Gloom, doom, depression? A feeling of…what?

A feeling of Dread!

That’s it…a feeling of dread!

Make one interpersonal fucking mistake and watch,

Old acquaintances show up,

“Fear, Doubt, and Insecurity” find my

number and give me a call,

“Just checking in, Georgie! How’re things?

Still not drinking? Smoking? Good…a heh, heh”.

Yeah, just like old times.

Today a new feeling – Wednesday – I see my

Therapist – I go in with ups and downs,

What I come to see later is

Ups equals Downs…same guy, same face

In the mirror – ups and downs live in

The same place – the root of the up

Lies next to the root of the down,

More than cousins – more than siblings –

In fact the up is the down inside out,

Take off your sock – turn it inside out

And put it back on. Within a minute

You can’t tell the difference – same thing,

Walk around,

Sock unseen but feels just like it did before.

But right now I feel the energy I

Didn’t feel yesterday – yesterday I upset

A close friend – I saw it unfold in a

Flash – first she tolerated me and my kidding

And I

Pushed a bit further – little boy being cute,

Bullying, power over women, who knows?

She revolted, gave me daggers and I

In jocular fashion took control –

What a dick!

She responded, rejected

Under her breath and walked off,

What a bitch! I thought – boy is she

Fucked up…shake my head knowing full

Well we mirror perfectly.

This is what I discuss with my therapist –

She helps me with processes underlying the

Behavior – I examine my true concern and

Love for my friend – my needs to control,

Be in charge, criticize, tensions that disturb

My cool,

Damage the moment with women,

There it is – “Fear, Doubt, and Insecurity”.

Later I find my friend –

She spots me-

We have a few moments to prepare due to

Other interactions,

The space opens for us and

She courageously approaches –

Her opening remark forces me to hide a weep,

“Good haircut, George. You look nice”.

G. M. Goodwin

July 3, 2013