I Look Up and Everyone is Gone

Posted on by George (wondering where I fit in)

I use this medium to express myself. I like this way of sounding off and recording, in my opinion, brilliant and humorous words. I am not smart enough to fully utilize the tools offered by the originators of this WordPress thingy. I am, in the minds of many, a newbie who is probably too old to understand the language, slant, jargon. There are new terms I don’t have a clue to what they mean. Just the same I have fun doing what I am doing right now. I could have more fun if I knew how to include pictures and other visual stuff but I am limited by the above mentioned barriers.

To surmount these barriers I signed up for a two day workshop in Portland, Maine. The workshop is one of many events found on Meet Ups, another great idea for those like me to learn and stretch our self imposed limits; broadening our bases so to speak. I’m an adventuresome sort. Just ask anyone. I found the workshop on Meet Ups and I thought how neat it would be to attend and learn how to do all this neat stuff and, as they suggested, attract millions of readers to my blog.

I went to Portland yesterday for the first of two days. My SAAB is in the shop so I happily drove my 1990 Dodge Ram pick-up truck the 65 miles south. I made sure to put gas in the thing because it gets only 9 miles per gallon of gas. A guzzler. I parked in the Civic Center parking garage to save time and because the truck has a plow attachment that makes if nearly three feet longer than normal making for nearly impossible parallel parking events. The truck goes o.k. but on the interstate I am grossly over matched for speed and comfort. Just the same I convert those discomforts into gleeful fun watching the other drivers cautiously maintaining distance between their shiny little steeds and my dinosaur. I imagine my white hair and full beard and glasses don’t soften the image.

The workshop is being held at the Maine College of Art, a nice venue. I am surprised at the number of participants. Before long I am surprised at the depth of knowledge these folks have. I am in over my head! The first indication of this comes during the first ten minutes in the auditorium. I can’t even describe with words what was said or done to give me this notion because I am so out of touch with the technical world now. I can only give a picture metaphor; my own minds eye of what it was like.

The first session I was involved in, not so involved actually, established that I should have stayed home. Let me draw the picture for you. Everyone else was standing on stools or chairs and I was standing flat footed on the floor. Besides that we were all unclothed, naked, full Monty if you like. Everywhere I turned all I was seeing were genitals and bung holes. This image describes my discomfort and dis-ease. I wanted to leave but I also wanted to give the process a chance to evolve into a positive experience.

No such luck. After the session ended I was exhausted, another indication that nothing was going right for me. I’m tuned into my body so that I can read when things are out of whack. My body never lies and I listen closely in moments such as this. I sat for a few minutes until the auditorium cleared then I pulled myself out of my seat and found the first friendly face with a staff t-shirt. I needed to formulate my question/comment so I took a minute or two. I made my thoughts known and then I called my son who lives nearby and made arrangements to meet him for lunch. Then I left for the day.

I got back to Boothbay, saw how much fuel I’d used and filled the truck up. Forty dollars. Noted.

This morning I began the process of heading for Portland. Two miles up the road I had given it all the thought I needed. This is what I came up with. The drive is 3 hours round trip. The fuel is expensive; twenty four dollars round trip. What I wanted from the workshop is simple; how do I add a picture to my blog? I can find out how to perform this minor miracle from one of several tech savvy friends on line. I turned around and came to the Red Cup Coffeehouse to capture the moment here. I feel like I’ve won.

Speaking of the Red Cup here is a story that I wrote last week. I hope you like it. Let me know in the comments part of this plain old, no pictures, blog.

Peace.

UPDATE

Since writing this piece I have been in contact with the presenters of the workshop. Here is a sequence of correspondence via email. I initiated the string.

ME:

I need to tell you that this workshop did not work out very well for me. Not all the reasons are attributed to you. I share with you a link to my blog so that you can read my reasons for not coming back to the event today.

I would like to discuss this further, I just don’t know how to.

Peace,

g

WORDPRESS:

Good Afternoon George – 

I am sorry to hear that your experience at WordCamp was not everything you had hoped for. Our goal was certainly to try and create an open and friendly environment for everyone of all skill levels to increase their knowledge of WordPress. Unfortunately, when working with a large audience, it can become challenging to speak on topics which engage and educate every attendee.

Especially as I was the first speaker of the event, it pains me to hear that you had such an unfortunate experience. I had hoped that I had placed myself in a position where I could have answered your questions either during or after my talk.

In hopes of at least easing the burden of your trip, we have refunded your ticket for you.

I’d also like to recommend a few resources which may help you in your journey as you learn WordPress:

Best of luck with your website and please let us know if there is anything we can do to be of assistance,

Gary Thayer

WordCamp Maine

ME:

Thank you for your considerable generosity. I feel relieved that you heard my message. WordPress is an important resource of pleasure for me and I will continue to make attempts to learn its magic.

Thank you,

Peace,

g
I appreciate good communication skills in all areas. This is an example of staying in touch.

G. M. Goodwin

19 May 2015

RIOT AT THE RED CUP

Gerry dialed in the coordinates for the middle seat of the couch that dominated the north end of the Red Cup Coffee House. With the code inserted on three dials on the Reference Reader Gerry would control the world inside the restaurant. It was a complicated but simple device he’d invented. Whoever was sitting in the middle seat of the couch would be scanned by the Reference Reader. The device had two sensors that used body heat and aura vibration to tune all the molecules within the immediate area to these two features. Gerry was no genius but he was certainly aware of others and he could read a person like a book. Through programming and directing the sensors devised using his innate abilities Gerry had hit on something new. By tuning all the molecules inside the Red Cup Gerry effectively created the world inside the coffee house to whatever, whomever, however the person sitting in the middle seat of the couch experienced.

Here is an example of the unique application of his device. Gerry once saw a little boy sitting in the seat in the middle of the couch so he plugged in the power supply to the Reference Reader and sat back to enjoy a few minutes of cartoon characters and furry mascots.

“What a delightful mind the boy has”, Gerry mused.

There was an atmosphere of child-like dimension and content throughout the Red Cup. Even the world seen through the large windows at the front of the establishment held up accurately to what was being produced inside. People who had been sitting and enjoying their food and drink were all variations of themselves morphed slightly into characters from the pages of children’s books. Wendy, the owner of the Red Cup brought the boy’s lunch to him and placed it on the coffee table by the couch. When she arrived she was not truly “Wendy” but a taller, queenly version of Wendy. Gerry thought Wendy couldn’t be more beautiful but in the imagination of the boy and as detected by the Reference Reader Wendy was stunning. When she passed by the large mirror that formed the north wall of the room she saw her reflection and blushed at how beautiful she looked.

Paul came out of the kitchen and saw Gerry and called out, “What’s up, Geraldo?”

Paul liked to call Gerry “Geraldo” as did Gerry like to call Paul “Paulo”.

“Nada, nada, Limonada”, said Gerry.

Gerry noticed that Paul looked like a happy Muppet holding a tray of donuts. What a great outlook the boy had!

So this was the way the device turned the Red Cup Coffee House into a version of itself as seen by the person sitting on the middle seat of the couch. Every molecule in the vicinity was altered to correspond to their imagination. Gerry was a genius.

The device was small thanks to micro-chip technology and thanks to space age sensors now on the market. Gerry had taken a laptop and modified the circuitry in his workshop to fit neatly into the case. The Reference Reader looked exactly like a laptop and could be carried inside a briefcase without arousing suspicion or curiosity. Gerry would simply place the device on the table at which he was sitting and open it as if he were writing his usual weird stories for which he was known. No one was the wiser.

Now, sitting and waiting for someone to get on the couch, Gerry needed to fine tune a new component of the Reference Reader. He’d found a more powerful Wheatstone bridge circuit that came out of the ignition of a 1962 Austin Healey sports car. Gerry had the genius to tune the potentiometers out of balance to increase the fidelity of imagination transferred to the molecules. Gerry was anxious to try it out.

No one was sitting in the seat. Gerry had the device at the ready. He’d also been drinking Alonzo Double Dark for about an hour and he was a bit shaky. His hands felt numb and his bladder was screaming to be relieved. The combination of bladder discomfort and jigginess made Gerry confused and less than genius. He was getting a bit confounded and he needed to run to the rest room quickly. Gerry got up and feeling the dribble of urine pushing past the sphincter of his penis he rushed as fast as he could to the bathroom at the rear of the Red Cup Coffee House. He was completely unaware that the Reference Reader was in the “On and Ready” mode. Gerry’s bladder was equally enjoying its own ‘on and ready’ mode.

Gerry washed his hands and tried wiping the pee stains off the front of his pants. He gave up and exited the men’s room to head back to his table. As he crossed the main room of the coffee house he felt himself get larger and he felt a rage rising up inside. Gerry saw two things right away. First, he saw the Reference Reader operational lights were indicating normal function and sequencing into phase-lock as it was converting the molecules in the immediate vicinity. It was tuning everything to the person sitting on the couch. Second, Gerry saw his ex-girlfriend sitting on the couch in the middle seat and she was glaring at him with all the hate and disgust he’d last seen from her ten years before when he broke of their engagement.

By the time all this information got to his brain Gerry was already beyond control. He caught his reflection in the mirror that formed the north wall of the coffee house and it was not a pretty sight. Gerry felt awful. So much was going on inside and Gerry was losing his mind. The situation hit him immediately. His Reference Reader was changing his molecular structure to what his ex-girlfriend was seeing him as. He knew what was coming next. He was going to begin behaving as she saw him and he had no way of stopping it. Gerry tore at his clothing and began yelling obscenities. People in the Red Cup Coffee House all stood or sat immobilized by Gerry’s outburst. All were scared or terrified. Paul had a look of astonishment on his face. He began to search for a way to get Gerry out of the Red Cup. Wendy was dialing the phone to summons the police. Things were turning to shit. Actually things had pretty much turned to shit.

Gerry grabbed at his crotch and tried to wave himself at his ex. She was gathering her things to get up and leave but Gerry pushed her roughly back onto the couch. She sat still and didn’t move. The Reference Reader continued to hum and convert molecules all around. Gerry entered a phase of anger and disgust that was bordering on major violence and mayhem. He was filled with loathing, revulsion, and hate. His clothing was in tatters from his violence toward himself and he appeared ready to attack his ex. Gerry looked for something to hit her with and he reached for the laptop sitting on the table where his coffee cup stood. Gerry picked up the laptop and heaved it with all of his might in the direction of the woman sitting on the couch. The laptop struck the woman on the head and she collapsed bleeding against the cushions. Gerry suddenly felt fearful; he lurched for the door and it splintered into pieces as he exited the coffee house.

The atmosphere in the coffee house returned to normal. The laptop had lost its power supply. The Wheatstone bridge oscillated out of control and fried itself. The tachometer circuitry crashed and the programming board burned out. The device was never used again. Gerry had disappeared and people guessed that he’d left town out of embarrassment. The police could not get anyone to press charges so they went back to their routine behind the town office and continued to direct traffic during school days.

Once in a while Wendy will catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror that forms the north wall of the Red Cup Coffee House and she will wonder what it was she saw that day. She will stand taller and smile pretty and Paul will call her from the kitchen and she will go see what it is he needs.

Gerry’s ex has recovered from her head wounds and is now driving a taxi in town. If you get into her cab don’t mention Gerry.

George M. Goodwin

9 May 2015

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