I came here to write about love; the love I find in women. The love is easy to come by and I need to reflect on it and write about it while I can. In the meantime I came across a reminder that tomorrow is Fathers Day.
Fathers Day sends me into a depression intertwined with guilt for all the things I didn’t do and for all the things I did poorly. I love my children, I really do, but I cannot find that happy, guilt-free place with them. I did a terrible job of being a good man for their mother. I am guilty of leaving them and not trying hard enough and guilty of imagining life without them. I have had no examples to follow on how to be a father. To be honest, I’ve given up on learning. I don’t have the ingredients to be a family person. I just don’t know.
Through years of therapy and searching for solutions I have reached a reasonable level of satisfaction that I did the best I could with what I had. Not a satisfactory answer if you were my kid but just the same I have to accept the reality of who I am. Oddly enough I think I can list a number of events that need to be in place in order to be a good father. What I have settled on is that I have stayed in touch with my children through the years and we have discussed frequently our needs and wishes. It seems we have settled on some relationship that allows an open and honest atmosphere.
Anyway, I got sidetracked along the way and I have decided to publish a very short note I wrote a few years ago that expresses my feeling about fathers on Fathers Day. In this instance it is more about fathers who are incarcerated. I have been a prison volunteer for a long time but I believe those days may be gone.
I have been interacting with Maine State Prison for about 3 years by trying to get back in to continue facilitating a group for men called “Peaceful Warrior”. I was able to do one pilot group in 2012 that was a success. It lasted for 14 weeks and then we were asked to leave while the administrators evaluated the program. That was the end of that. Personnel changes in the prison system from top to bottom made establishing connections inside very difficult. I have had frustrating times reconnecting. I am getting the idea that we are not welcome. The pattern of phone calls and messages seem to indicate that I am being gamed. I’ve stopped trying. It’s been three years of phone calls and messages. I’m done. I’m worn down and I need to get on with things that I can do. It remains to be seen what that is but I will keep my eyes open for an opportunity.
I will wish you dads a Happy Fathers Day in the conventional sense. Good luck with all of it.
INMATES ON FATHERS DAY
It’s been a long time since I’ve been inside the prisons of Maine, over a year. I know what I represented to the people there during our workshops. I miss all of them; the people labeled as rapists, pedophiles, murderers, drug dealers, burglars, thieves, cons, the failed men and women who have been incarcerated far longer than anyone should be.
I know what they didn’t get in their lives and what they took from others. Still, no one should be held in a closed building under conditions such as they have. It is torture, not rehabilitation. I bleed for them; we all invariably bleed for them.
I hope some of them miss me as I miss them.
Playing Fair and Being Kind 