During the 1970’s I read Eric Berne’s “The Games People Play”. I was in my 30’s and unhappy in a good marriage. I was a pure game player of the destructive kind; part of my conditioning I suppose. I don’t believe I had a fully uncomplicated thought after the age of 4 or 5. Anyway, this book captured my attention. It didn’t cure me by any means, it simply addressed an issue that was always at the back of my mind. I was living in a fantasy world. I became aware of my own bullshit behavior and then as time passed I could see other’s.
Sometime during the past few years I picked up Oscar Wilde’s “The Picture of Dorian Gray”. I loved it for my own simple reasons. Besides the aesthetic pleasures and rich descriptions of the settings I was in tune with the games being played by the intelligentsia, the characters. Here is a quote from a scene involving a discussion about romance and love. I hope you can understand the philosophy, a philosophy of dark, shadowy deception.
Lord Henry Wotton states, “When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what one calls a romance.”
I wonder if this interest in romance was of the period. It seems to coincide with the romantic period of western music. The book was written around 1890 in a white dominated society, western Europe.
Since I have become more aware of my game playing in recent years the destructive habits I have packed into my luggage over my lifetime have become glaringly obvious. It has taken years of self talk, inventory taking, and introspection to finally admit that all of my social problems are of my own making. I agree that I had a good set of instructors and teachers and role models to grease the skid but just the same my education was enhanced by my search for the easier, softer way. Now here I am!
I have a good outlook for myself and I have worked extremely hard at becoming a better person. My life is better and I try to involve others as well. Things are looking up more and more. A few years back I was torn between a lost love and the relief of being free from responsibility for another. Here is what I wrote then. It was a step in the right direction. I hope you enjoy it.
DEFIANT
Defiant,
I feel the fire in my heart,
Fear and anger fuel this hand,
Fully charged I scribble, race, try to put face to feeling,
Loss versus relief,
Pain versus joy,
Titans clashing within, struggling for advantage,
Maneuvering to gain leverage,
Straining and grappling to be heard.
There is no known villain.
No visage to target.
Only this putrefying and rotting wail
Living under my heart,
Living under my heart – hiding there,
In a hole of resentful misery.
A warrior-being, wild with life, earth, and sky
Rushes to rescue,
To salvage,
To push back the antagonist,
Feel it honor my being in the Hero’s Realm!
How grateful for this life!
For those others and those ways
For preparing me!
Wrestle on, Fuckers!
G. M. Goodwin
1/21/2013
Playing Fair and Being Kind 