Playing Fair and Being Kind

I learned to tell time at an early age. The first time I told was twenty minutes after eight in the morning. My sister Jean helped me to learn this skill. I was a really bright kid so it was an easy task to teach me things. Time gets problematic when these two events arrive; changing the clocks to either gain or lose an hour to honor daylight saving time. By the way Arizona doesn’t go through this angst ridden event. They ignore the rest of the country and maintain a level of comfort unrealized by us. This morning I took the steps to change my clock radio to reflect the right hour. That was an experience I tell you. I keep the instruction pamphlet in a place that is convenient. The clock radio is a Timex and things have progressed over the years so much that nothing is simple anymore. I had a bit of a problem understanding the directions in the pamphlet. I got the job done but the issues I faced in the process inspired a story which follows below.

I can usually follow instructions but the ones in this pamphlet always give me a twist that totally screws with me. It is always something so simple but never ever the same twist so that I am always buffaloed by the operation. Buffaloed. Now there’s a term that is easy to understand. When I am buffaloed I sit it dumb silence and wonder where in the universe I exist. Not a nice feeling.

During the process I imagined this being a simple comedic tale of someone completely losing control of his/her emotions and actions to the point of committing a crime. John Cameron Swayze came to mind as the innocent victim of the act.

I mean come on! What better foil for a good tale than a guy who uses all of his names on television back in the fifties. I recall the Timex watch cost less than five dollars but like the jingle said, It keeps on ticking! The main character I named after a prison psychologist in the super max part of Maine State Prison; “Charlie”. Charlie was a woman with intense behavior and I felt intimidated by frequently.

So here is the story. I hope it makes you smile. I laughed a few times while writing it. Have a nice day. The sun is trying to come out here in Maine. I hope it does. Peace, g.

TIMEX

My friend Charlene called me from Area D police station. She’d been arrested and had only one phone call. My number was the only one she could remember under the circumstances. We only had three minutes to talk. I needed to go to the station and sit with her to get the whole story. I remember it was Sunday morning and my car was low on gas but I found a station open along the way. I also remember that my clock was an hour off because of the daylight saving time shift. Before I left the house I took the time to reset the clock. I picked up my alarm clock, turned it around, found the time set knob and twisted it while looking at the clock face. When the big hand reversed direction for one complete rotation I released the knob and that was it. Easy.

Things weren’t that simple for Charlene I found out soon enough. When I arrived at the Area D station I was shown into a small room with a table and two straight back wooden chairs. Charlene was brought in about five minutes later. She looked terrible. Her hair was pulled back and knotted with a rubber band. Her eyes were red from crying. She had scratches on her knuckles and forearms. I’d never seen Charlene smoke but the attending officer gave her a cigarette and helped her to light it. Charlene was a total mess. Here is her story as best as I can tell it.

First of all Charlene was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, to wit, a clock radio. I helped her to find a lawyer in the telephone book to come and give her direction regarding the charges, the incarceration, and whatever legal documents she needed to file in preparation for her case. Once the phone call was made she told me what had happened.

Charlene awoke this Sunday morning and realized she had an extra hour to sleep in if she wanted. She decided to arise and get her day going early. After coffee and a bagel she decided to change the time display on her Timex clock radio. I interrupted her to inform her I’d done the same thing. Her look gave me the willies. I decided to not interrupt again. Charlene continued. She lived in a boarding house near the center of town. One of her housemates is a man named John Cameron Swayze. He is well known as a radio station announcer and television show host. His biggest sponsor was Timex. The very same company that made Charlene’s clock radio.

Charlene tried to reset her Timex. There were no simple clues on the clock radio as to how to perform this simple operation. Charlene became a bit frustrated so she searched for and found the instruction pamphlet for the “Timex Jumbo Display AM/FM Clock Radio”. She opened to the page “Operating Instructions” and found “Setting The Time”. Charlene felt relief. That is until she read the instructions. The instructions filled three inches of column space and half the words were abbreviations and/or underlined resulting in all being gibberish. Try as she might there was no rhyme or reason and whatever order she pushed the eight buttons on top of the small case nothing matched the indications she expected.

Charlene pressed buttons, held buttons, reread the instructions, pressed more buttons but the damned display continued unchanged. Charlene banged the clock radio on the side in distress. After about 5 minutes of finagling, wangling, and manipulating all of the controls she really began to lose it. Charlene sat on the edge of her futon bed and seethed. By now it had been an hour since she began this tragic event. She’d pretty well damaged the case of the clock radio. The plastic was cracked and broken in places and the emergency power batteries had flown out and were scattered next to her. Charlene let out a scream of frustration. That seemed to be the tipping point. There was a soft knock on her door.

Charlene yelled, “What the fuck do you want?”

She had no idea who was knocking and she didn’t care. The door opened and John Cameron Swayze stuck his head in and asked if she was alright.

Charlene held the clock radio up by the end of the cord which she had wrapped around her right fist. Her glare spoke volumes but apparently John Cameron Swayze wasn’t listening.

“Oh!” he said with delight. “Timex! It takes a licking and keeps on ticking!” That did it.

Charlene swung the clock radio by its cord and sent it flying toward the famous television personality. It struck him directly on the nose and caused him to fall over into the hallway. The landlady heard the ruckus and immediately called the police. The rest you know. I figured Charlene would get about three years but John Cameron Swayze came through. He dropped the charges. I gave Charlene my windup clock.

G. M. Goodwin

1 November 2015