Playing Fair and Being Kind

I was born to rebel. I recall sitting at Sunday dinner where my pretentious mother lectured all five children on the need to say “Yes, Ma’am; Yes, Sir and No, Ma’am; No, Sir”. She gave examples of when to say it, who she heard say it (evidence), and then with a scholarly turn to look directly at me, her youngest and five years old, she asked, “Do you understand, George?” “O.K.”, I replied. I brought the house down. The table erupted in laughter. I played it straight.

This aptitude for cutting through the bullshit has brought me laughter and tears and fears and scoldings throughout my adventuresome life. I failed the public school system as a result and even though I flourished in the Navy I was known for being a pain in the arse to all who were supervisors. I tempered this ability to disbelieve, to buck the status quo, in order to survive and to live another day. One does not fuck with the bull without getting the horn eventually. I caught the horn a few times before I found the proper, well suited disguise. My disguise was a conformation of sorts. I left enough room to operate independently however.

More recently I was found guilty of being a rebel, a non-conformist, a troublesome jerk when I rebelled against the desires of a group of prison volunteers. They were convinced that I was going to bring down the house (again) on their heads if I continued to buck the system or in the words of Conformational Intelligence, go against time honored tradition. That phrase still makes me gag. I needed to remove myself from that group and go out on my own to follow the truth and to seek more truth. By leaving the first group I found a second group of truth seekers who quietly go about the business of living genuine experience. My posture and my voice have been altered in the meanwhile. I am more convincing and confident of what it is I am trying to accomplish in what is left of my life.

One of the most entrenched groups that uses Conformational Intelligence is the patriarchy. It relies upon privilege and expectation to survive. I found a wonderful youtube video of Dr. Bennet Omalu discussing his experience being discounted for his discovery of CTE in concussion sufferers. He was up against the NFL  one of the most patriarchal systems in existence. The NFL used the Conformational Intelligence system to discredit Omalu. He persisted and he persisted and he overcame the negative responses of the NFL to prevail and gain the upper hand. Here is the video.

Listen to his words and his passion. He nails the problem of resisting the patriarchy or any other system of conforming or oppression.

The recent workshop I facilitated gave rise to that same system. Four older white men were called out. Not directly mind you. The whole group of participants was called out for not following one of their agreed upon guidelines. The guideline stated that there would be no put-downs of self or others. This is a common guideline to support the affirmation of people in this weekend workshop. Somewhere along the way during the weekend nearly all of the participants engaged in gentle teasing or joshing that was a bit over the line bordering on violence in disguise. My co-facilitator brought up the issue and asked everyone to be mindful of the teasing and joshing and to abide by the agreed upon guidelines. The four older white men felt targeted. The asked who was the culprit. They wanted to know what was said. The group became a full blown conflict and I decided to use the moment as a role play for conflict resolution using the tools found in our system.

The four men were most vociferous. They were in great need to know who my co-facilitator was upset with. They discredited her complaint because she refused to identify anyone specifically. They felt falsely accused. They then tried to heal the situation with apologies that were not apologies. You may know what I mean. “I’m sorry if” instead of “I’m sorry for”. The ‘if’ apology does not fly. It is more of a gaslighting technique than an apology. The demand for the identities of the culprits is also a technique for blaming the victim. All of these strategies are used by men who cannot take responsibility for their behaviors. These help the man to avoid responsibility and to shirk blame.

Two of the four men left the group in a huff. I had been trying to keep them engaged in the conversation with promises that this was a safe environment in which to learn. They gave up and left angry. I couldn’t quite name the issues that drove this conflict but now several weeks later, thanks to Dr. Omalu’s video I have a good handle on what they are. Because I was not willing to accept the four’s logic and thinking style, Conformational Intelligence, they were stuck in a tight loop of blaming others for the conflict.

The two remaining men were able to work through to resolution. Even though they do not fully comprehend what it is that happened they have enough information to move forward until they are ready to listen to more about this thing they are dealing with.

So there you have it. I hope this make sense. If not you can contact me and we can talk more.

G. M. Goodwin 26 February 2017