Playing Fair and Being Kind

TIMEX

My friend Charlene called me from Area D police station. She’d been arrested and had only one phone call. My number was the only one she could remember under the circumstances. We only had three minutes to talk. I needed to go to the station and sit with her to get the whole story. I remember it was Sunday morning and my car was a little low on gas but I found a station open along the way. I also remember that my clock was an hour off because of the daylight saving time shift. Before I left the house I took the time to reset the clock. I picked up my alarm clock, turned it around, found the time set knob, and twisted it while looking at the clock face. When the big hand reversed direction for one complete rotation I released the knob and that was it. Easy.

Things weren’t that simple for Charlene I found out soon enough. When I arrived at the Area D station I was shown into a small room with a table and two straight back wooden chairs. Charlene was brought in about five minutes later. She looked terrible. Her hair was pulled back and knotted with a rubber band. Her eyes were red from crying. She had scratches on her knuckles and forearms. I’d never seen Charlene smoke but the attending officer gave her a cigarette and helped her to light it. Charlene was a total mess. Here is her story as best as I can tell it.

First of all Charlene was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, to wit, a clock radio. Since it was Sunday things were moving slowly at the police station. I helped her find a lawyer in telephone book to come and give her direction regarding the charges, the incarceration, and whatever legal documents she needed to file in preparation for her case. Once the phone call was made she told me what had happened.

Charlene awoke this Sunday morning and realized she had an extra hour to sleep in if she wanted. She decided to arise and get her day going early. After coffee and a bagel she decided to change the time display on her Timex clock radio. I interrupted her to inform her I’d done the same thing. She gave me one of those looks. Charlene continued. She lived in a boarding house near the center of town. One of her housemates is a man named John Cameron Swayze. He is well known as a radio announcer and television show host. His biggest sponsor is Timex. The very same company that made Charlene’s clock radio.

Charlene tried reset her Timex. There were no simple clues on the clock radio as to how to do this simple operation. Charlene became a bit frustrated so she searched for and found the instruction pamphlet for her “Timex Jumbo Display AM/FM Clock Radio”. She opened to the page “Operating Instructions” and found “Setting The Time”. Charlene felt relief. That is until she read the instructions. The instructions filled three inches of column space and half the words were abbreviations and/or underlined resulting in all being gibberish. There was no rhyme or reason and try as she might in whatever order she pushed the eight buttons on top of the clock radio nothing matched the indications in the pamphlet.

Charlene pressed buttons, held buttons, reread the instructions, pressed more buttons but the damned display continued unchanged. Charlene banged the clock radio on its side in distress. After about 5 minutes of finagling, wangling, and manipulating the controls she really began to lose it. Charlene sat on the edge of her futon bed and seethed. By now it had been an hour since she began this tragic event. She’d pretty well damaged the case of the clock radio. The plastic was cracked and broken in places and the emergency power batteries had flown out and were scattered next to her. Charlene let out a scream of frustration. That seemed to be the tipping point. There was a soft knock on her door.

Charlene yelled, “What the fuck do you want?”

She had no idea who was knocking and she didn’t care. The door opened and John Cameron Swayze stuck his head in and asked if she was alright.

Charlene held the clock radio up by the end of the cord which she had wrapped around her right fist. Her glare spoke volumes but apparently John Cameron Swayze wasn’t listening.

“Oh!” he said with delight. “Timex! It takes a licking and keeps on ticking!” That did it.

Charlene swung the clock radio by its cord and sent it flying toward the famous television personality. It struck him directly on the nose and caused him to fall over into the hallway. The landlady heard the ruckus and immediately called the police. The rest you know. I figured Charlene would get about three years but John Cameron Swayze came through. He dropped the charges. I gave Charlene my windup clock.

G. M. Goodwin
1 November 2015