Playing Fair and Being Kind

I have at least six cd’s of jazz pianist Bill Evans. The performances are studio takes and live gigs in The Village. Some live takes are in Europe. His career was long and filled with great playing. Mostly these cd’s are of his trio. However there are solo sessions which are poignant and sad and make me day dream about his life and his suffering and his grace. My most favorite song played by him are his opening chords on “So What?” the first cut on Miles Davis’ “Kind of Blue” album. Here is a link to “Blue on Green” a piece he plays with his trio. Evans’ minimalist style sets the mood.

The side story of Miles hiring Evans to perform on this album takes one through an educational tour of the jazz world and racism/prejudice. It is revealing along a few scores. Do a search of this fascinating relationship.

Bill Evans could play one or two notes and capture the listener’s innermost angst. What a genius he was! I listen to his music to gain inspiration for writing. I am always close to a memory/story and when he hits a few chords the words come quickly. In this instance I am thrown into a pit of addiction where the needs of the body far outweigh any thought of social imperative. During times of feeding the insistent inner monkey no attention is given to how, what, where, when, or who. ‘Why’ is superfluous.

When I was attending AA meetings there would be the drama person who would voice their heroic ideation of what it would be like to drink or use again. What they say usually goes something like this: “If I ever drink or use again I know I will die.” This may be true and it is always a bad thing to try again to drink or use if one is in the addiction phase of life. However, my experience as a counselor/therapist in substance abuse recovery institutions is that the result will be far less glamorous and probably a lot more humiliating. I mean, cut the crap. Yes, I agree that death is certainly a potential outcome but it always is anyway. How we get there is a toss-up. Regarding relapse though what is in store for the addict is more along the lines of humiliation and great discomfort from the life style more than the substance abuse. The above quote is more for ego gratification than for a reality check. Bill Evans used continually from the beginning. His bassist in his trio, Scott Lafaro, was often disappointed in Evans’ drug use because of professional concerns. Emotional pain, regrets, humiliation followed Evans throughout his career. He was a known junkie as well as a brilliant composer and pianist. Watch some of his videos where you can see how puffy his hands and fingers are from the collapsed veins from the needle use. I’ve seen hands like that in every treatment setting I’ve worked.

More than likely a relapse is accompanied by an episode of discovering a new bottom. That unique experience of finding just how bad one’s surroundings can degrade from the substance abuse life style. Waking up with a stranger wrapped around you in an unknown location is typical. I’ve had to go outside and find a street sign to call a friend to come get me on at least one occasion. Mumbling vague apologies to new house mates can be difficult. Walking half dressed up the gangway to report back for duty is normal. Explaining one’s self becomes a mantra. Death is down the road and sometimes would be welcome but it isn’t handy enough. Bill Evans died slowly, slowly, and uncomfortably after so many disappointing episodes with his friends and managers. His best bassist and early friend Scott Lafaro died in a car crash ten days after making their best trio album. Evans is said to always have that regret lingering over him and his music showed so much sadness. Lafaro was generally disappointed in Evans’ drug use. Then it was too late.

Enough of this. In the land of midnight sun. I saw a photograph someone posted of the daylight appearance in Alaska this time of year, June. The photo was take around two A.M. The sky is bright gray and objects are easily seen across the landscape. It is daylight at a few hours after midnight. I was reminded of the patrols I made north of the Arctic Circle in summertime. I had to ask myself ‘why is there an “Arctic Circle”?’ A little research gave me a clue. I don’t know if it answers the question, just the same here is a link to an answer.

https://www.britannica.com/place/Arctic#ref518847

So more to my point is this; the Navy has a routine of dousing all white lights after sunset on board ships at sea. In their place are red lights. The purpose is to maintain the ability of the watch standers to see in the dark of the ocean. It take a period of time, usually fifteen minutes or more, for the eyes to adjust to dark conditions after being in a space with regular lighting. So before the watch standers report for duty after dark they are awakened early enough to wear red goggles. The red lenses in the goggles helps the individual to gradually adjust to dark conditions. At the same time all white lights in the vicinity of watch stations that are exposed to night time conditions are doused and red lights used instead. This set of events is called “Rigging for red”. The ship is rigged for red from sundown ’til sunup.

In the case of being in the land of the midnight sun during summer the ship never rigs for red. The white lights are used the whole time. Conversely in the land of the midnight sun the ship never rigs for white during the winter months for the same reason. The sun never comes up because it is always dark. Weird, eh? Of course there are gradations of length of time during the process of seasonal shifts. The sun might set for an hour before it begins its assent again. Weirder, eh?

Recently, like yesterday, my favorite other human being and I exchanged a string of texts. Afterward I was quite energetic and alert such as I haven’t been for a few months. Mind over matter. Isn’t it nice to have moments like this? I was doing little physical things like flexing muscles in my body that haven’t been awakened for a while. I wanted to do push-ups, take little dancing steps, bust a move. I am a creature that needs to be in love.

Have you ever seen this chart? It is quite remarkable. I believe the National Geographic Society commissioned it in the 1970’s. Bruce Heezen and Mary Tharp spent hours, days, weeks, months, years gathering the soundings to recreate the bottom contours shown. Bruce died while recording bottom data from inside the NR-1 a Navy deep submersible. He had a heart attack. The NR-1 was in the North Atlantic. Here is the story from a link.   https://mountainmystery.com/2014/06/21/the-death-of-heezen/

Bruce Heezen was a large man. When he died in 1977 during my tour of duty on the submersible Sea Cliff. I never met the man and only heard of him through his passing. Years later I saw this photo above and it made my life a lot more enriched. Seeing this gave my job more meaning and direction. I am sorry that Heezen died so young.

Mind over matter. That reminds me of a joke. The Marine D.I. told the recruit the same thing. “It’s all mind over matter. I don’t mind and you don’t matter.”

Okay, enough out of me. Here is something I wrote in 2013 and would like to share with you. I hope your day is as beautiful as this day is here in Boothbay.

G. M. Goodwin 25 June 2017

 

IF I COULD DO ANYTHING

(IF I COULD DO ANY ONE THING)

Show me that place where I begin and you end,

Where the table stops tipping

And spilling my food

Into my lap my elbows

Sliding in the liquids

Too much to cage with rags

Or hands and arms held

Tight to the surface

Mind racing to determine when to

Give up this pretense of

Being

In control.

This existence of loss, regret,

Fear and doubt provides a

Comfort – it couldn’t get

Worse,

Could it?

I have calluses from holding

On and on – my hands are

Bench vises – clamps,

Wrists and arms – truckers’ knots – nothing

Gets away.

Show me that part again – where

I begin and you end.

I need to find the sweet spot

On the bat of experience – I want

To feel the complete satisfaction, the groove,

Of hitting the ball back through the middle,

I need to get that feeling back…back…

Who’s got my back?

Let me taste, smell, and hear

Where I begin and you end,

Where you end is where I find

The independence and autonomy of

Love for self. My breakthrough;

The wind off the sea tasting, smelling brine – taste my

Blood – hear, discover the

Pulse of found-self

Let me show you where I begin

And you end.

Reach out to the end of you –

Your finger tips –

I am just beyond your reach

Even as we sit knees almost touching, study each other

Feel warmth, smell presence,

Listen for small movements and soft breath.

Now see where you end and I

Begin – begin to create the

Nurturing self whose gentle arms

Embrace me in storms, moments of stress.

I’ll show you where I begin –

Close your eyes and imagine an infant,

An infant in its

Mother’s arms – eyes gathering, assimilating,

The babe comfortable, protected, observing life, seeing the world present

Its self.

I am that child. My nurturing

Self holds me,

Holds me

I am alright,

Right here

George M. Goodwin

March 12, 2013