Playing Fair and Being Kind

I’m involved with a new treatment for macular degeneration. It involves jabbing a needle into my eyeball and injecting a solution into the retina that will colapse the delamination of the tissue causing the blurring of the focal point of that eye. I can’t tell you how unnerving this procedure is for me. The first treatment was nothing compared to the following regular treatments. The subsequent treatments I had to approach with full knowledge of the feelings and other discomforts I was experienced with. Ignorance can often be a gift. I had my third injection on Wednesday last. I am still feeling the “bit of grit” from the procedure. The eye is a little itchy still but healing quickly. My next visit will be one of evaluation. It will determine when and how often I need to go back for maintenance. Yay.

Another recent health adventure for me is my recent bout of pulmonary embolism (bilateral). I’ve been gasping and out of breath and guessing all the wrong things the matter. My dear friend Arlene, she of the medical training, a Doctor of Osteopathy, convivnced me to ask for a CT scan. I did. They did. It showed both sides of my lungs had blood clots. I am now on xarelto to clear out the stuff. Good deal, eh? Best health plan in the U.S.

Could’a died but didn’t. This is a repeat from 4 years ago when the same thing occured. I was told then how lucky I was to survive. Some days chicken, some days feathers I guess.

Anyway…here is a poem from a few years back that I worked on today. I think I’m getting closer to really liking it. It’s about an interaction with a friend who I admire but always seem to irritate. We might have healed the insults by now. I hope so.

Peace,
Gentle George
14 December 2018

AN OLD AND TRUSTED FRIEND

Love letters

This feeling won’t let go,

Yesterday the ‘blahs’,

Guilt filled ‘blahs’,

No explanation, no side-stepping,

Just… gloom and doom.

 

What’s the name I’m fumbling for?

Gloom, doom, depression? A feeling of…what?

A feeling of dread!

…a feeling of dread!

 

Make one interpersonal mistake and watch,

Old acquaintances show up,

Fear, Doubt, and Insecurity will

Give me a call,

“Just checking in, George! How’re things?

Still not drinking? Not smoking? Goood!”

How often do I need to face this?

 

Today a new day – Wednesday – I visit my

Therapist – I go in with ups and downs,

What I learn is

Ups equals Downs…same guy, same face

In the mirror – ups and downs live in

The same place – the root of the up

Lies next to the root of the down,

 

More than cousins – more than siblings –

In fact, the up is the down, just outside in,

Take off your sock – turn it inside out

And put it back on. Within a minute

You can’t tell the difference – same thing,

Walk around,

That sock feels just like it did before.

 

But right now, I feel energy I

Didn’t feel yesterday – yesterday I upset

A close friend – I saw it unfold in a

Flash – first she tolerated me and my kidding

And I

Pushed a bit further – little boy being cute or

Bullying,

Power over women,

who knows?

 

She revolted, gave me daggers and I

In flippant fashion took control –

What a dick!

She reacted, rejected my bullshit

Under her breath and walked off,

What a bitch! I thought – boy is she

Fucked up…I shake my head knowing

Full well we are two-of-a-kind,

who knows…

 

This is what I discuss with my therapist –

She helps me with processes underlying the

Behavior – I examine my true concern and

Love for my friend,

Parse my needs to control,

Be in charge, criticize,

Tensions that feed a false sense of

Cool,

Damage the moment with her,

There it is – “Fear, Doubt, and Insecurity”,

I know…I know…

 

Later I find my friend –

She spots me-

We have a few moments to prepare due to

Other interactions,

The space opens for us and

She courageously approaches and I stand my ground,

Her opening remark jerks a sob from my throat,

“Good haircut, George. You look nice”,

Oh, blessed friend, you gift me with

Another chance to improve.

G. M. Goodwin
July 3, 2013