Playing Fair and Being Kind

NEVER SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’

Natalie

I had decided to give up being a warrior. Not forever, mind you; just for a period of time-undetermined. I was tired and alone; bordering on lonely. Southern California is a lovely place, inhabited by make-believe, beautiful bodies who are not friendly. I had been trying to connect with just one of the beautiful bodies, any-body who would stand still long enough to listen, to look at me, to interact and be true. Fat chance; every-body was into something, but not me.

Enervating. The perfect word that fit my, then, situation. In fact, it fits my life-long situation. The search for the love outside of myself that eludes and taunts and ridicules. The search becomes enervating. One of life’s disappointments is the constant failure to fulfill the need for love. I can only imagine the plight of the early humans who were hiding, avoiding, dodging the other humans (who were largely doing the same thing) when there once was only a handful wandering the fertile crescent. I can only imagine the level of distrust bred from fear, doubt, and insecurity. I hope someone understands this condition. I would hate to be the only one suffering here.

In Southern California, many years ago, I was experimenting with dating. I was recently divorced, unattached, and ready for some company. There were constant opportunities to meet others. I was still young, in my mid-thirties, attractive and, like others in Southern California, into jogging. Jogging was a new activity, not practiced by many. Jogging was the one thing that was perfect for a single person. It kept one in beautiful condition, attractive to others, and mentally stable through the meditation practice that going-beyond-a-few-miles brings.

Enter Natalie. The first time I saw Natalie was in Coronado on the beach in her bikini. It was a complete blow-me-away experience. Tanned and shapely and vibrant best describes Natalie. Every line of her being fit the template in my mind of ‘perfect’. I was thunder-struck. The only thing that happened that day was we sat at the same table with others at a cook-out and shared a few stories. End of story, for now.

That was in March of 1977. March 7^th to be exact. The next time of any consequence that we met was in the summer of 1979. Natalie was living in Solana Beach. We met and decided we needed to be together. I moved into her house from my house forty miles south in Imperial Beach. We enjoyed many hours of listening to classical music, weeping for lost moments in our past, and weeping for missed opportunities of loving each other. It was delicious and fulfilling to be with Natalie. Then one day she broke the dam in my soul and I experienced a cathartic break in my existence. Here’s how it happened. I’m certain that Natalie knew what she was doing. She was a magical witch and she belonged in my life at that very moment for good reason.

It was late in the morning on a beautiful summer day. There are no other kinds of days in Southern California, I hasten to add. We were lying on the bed and my head was pressed against her breasts. Natalie shifted her position to cradle my head with both of her hands. She tenderly whispered into my ear, “I love you”. I fell into her a notch more. She repeated, “I love you”. I melted a little more. She again said softly, “I love you”. I relaxed and at the same time tensed my heart a little. Something began to unfold, tear, fall away from my core. Natalie repeated, “I love you”. I tried to pull away but she tightened her hold on my head. My eyes were now wide open. “I love you” once again this time right on the heels of the last one. “I love you…I love you…I love you”, softly but firmly. “I love you…” over and over non-stop. I squirmed and then gave in. I fell against Natalie’s breasts with resignation at the same time I was building a shield with my thoughts. “I love you”, continued like a mantra. Several more times, “I love you” and I was beginning to spin backward into my youth and my childhood. “I love you” never before heard. Never before said to me that I could recall. “I love you”, told to me alone. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” over and over and over. I arose from the bed, I floated out of Natalie’s loving hold on me, I fell out of the house and off the surface of the earth. I found myself in outer space with Natalie’s voice telling me, “I love you”. I began to cry bit by bit and then I began to sob loudly like I used to when I was a little boy. I sobbed and grasped Natalie and held her to keep from flying away. I didn’t want to be lost again. I didn’t want to be untethered from safety. I wanted to be held tightly and to be told that someone loved me. I was in great emotional pain and I began to wail and to sob uncontrollably. Natalie held me ever more tightly. We did this for a long time. I was losing control of my body and my mind was close behind. I writhed and twisted with pain and my body was cramping and aching in spasms. I felt like I was becoming insane; that I was dying. It was the truth, though. I was losing my mind and I was dying. I was losing the shield I’d built for many years and I was quitting the existence I’d become. I’m unable to accurately say how long this episode lasted. I think it was about an hour or so of wailing and screaming and filling the air with agonizing moans. Tears and groans left me. The sensation of being emptied came over me. I was being hollowed out and stripped of my identity and of whatever I had held important for my whole life. That was the feeling! Of being torn apart, torn from whatever I held to be true. I had nothing left to hang on to. Nothing was inside me and there was no way to identify my body, mind, self.

Natalie left me on the bed; she was unable to sustain the cushion for my catharsis by herself. There was only one other person in the house and they would not come near me. Neither would I, if it were me. The scene was otherworldly. The Exorcist comes to mind. Slowly I returned to the material room. Eventually I quieted down. I was back but I was completely exhausted. Empty. I tried to sit up. It took me a while to do that. My breathing was very slow and shallow; my head felt barely attached to my neck. I became more and more able to reconnect to my surroundings. I’d had a break through of sorts and it took me weeks, months before I could translate the episode to my being. I was changed but the change wasn’t evident immediately.

It was decades before all of the effects took hold. My life continues to change in reflection of that afternoon in Solana beach. The changes began then and often I can pinpoint the changes and life altering decisions I’ve made in the days after Solana Beach. My awareness is much higher. I am more empathetic. I have been a good student of life and a helper for others since then. Natalie saved my life. I tell her every chance I get, if she will sit still and listen. We have remained the best of friends. Of course.

G. M. Goodwin
November 5, 2019