But ‘understanding’ certainly is. I am, in my estimation, one of the world’s most resentful people. Not proud, not ashamed, it’s just a good description. Perceived insults and disrespect thrive in my heart. Those that are the most troublesome I deal with over time to where they eventually get analyzed into a place of regret or reluctant acceptance. One of my sons has described me as “not suffering fools gladly”. I am quite aware of how this came about and I will not confess all of my background and reveal my formative years in this piece. Simply put I cannot for the life of me comprehend ‘forgiveness’.
How I got onto this subject and train of thought is like this. As I sip my morning coffee I listen to music on my laptop while I repeatedly play solitaire. The game is soothing and the music prompts lots of thoughts/memories and the train gains length and speed and direction to the point that at some place along the track a deeper feeling slips past the gates to whisper to me. This is one of those. Here is what I heard. It’s from Lucinda Williams’ “Greenville”.
“When you open your mouth you never say what you mean
Say what you mean oh say what you mean…”
Her music speaks to me for a few reasons…I’ve driven through Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana quite a lot in the past five years. I have friends, former friends living there. One old girlfriend who has broken my heart a million times over thirty five years of visits, fights, fantastic sex, sweet lips, beautiful eyes, mindless cruelty. She never said what she meant until it was the last thing she’d say as we were, one of us, exiting the scene for the millionth last time. She presently resides in Jackson. We’ve been together in Coronado, Imperial Beach, Boston, Jackson and I hope to gawd never again. We drove across the country twice… make that three times. I can truly say both of us have been guilty of never saying what we meant. That is unless it was at an airport and it was being said angrily as we parted company. Those were some scenes. Still, the truth barely showed its face.
Today is a beautiful day at The Castle. Not a cloud in the sky. I switched my coffee from “Rebel Blend” back to “Alonzo’s Double Dark”. Much better. Have a lovely day, Friends. I’ve added a dark poem in line with the posting. G. M. Goodwin 2 June 2017
DEFIANT
Defiant,
I feel the fire in my heart,
Fear and anger fuel this hand,
Fully charged I scribble, race, try to put face to feeling,
Loss versus relief,
Pain versus joy,
Titans clashing within, struggling for advantage,
Maneuvering to gain leverage,
Straining and grappling to be heard.
There is no known villain.
No visage to target.
Only this putrefying and rotting wail
Living under my heart,
Living under my heart – hiding there,
In a hole of resentful misery.
A warrior-being, wild with life, earth, and sky
Rushes to rescue,
To salvage,
To push back the antagonist,
Feel it honor my being in the Hero’s Realm!
How grateful for this life!
For those others and those ways
For preparing me!
Wrestle on, Fuckers!
G. M. Goodwin
1/21/2013
Playing Fair and Being Kind 
I like to play solitaire for the same reasons. Cards on the table. Gets my brain away from the computer for a while.
I woke up minutes ago from a dream of an ex who I would describe similarly. I still think about the last thing he said to me. It was not what he meant ever.
I am not a forgiver. It’s not easy for me. However, reading this makes me feel better. I don’t have to forgive. It’s my choice. Nothing wrong with that.
You are forgiven. For everything. Forever. Glad I know you.
Yet another astonishing piece of writing. You’re among my favorite authors. It’s always exciting when I get a notice that you have posted another blog entry. I can’t wait to read it, and I have never been disappointed. I have read more than 21,000 books in my life, at the average rate of 1 book per day, so I have some experience of what makes an author a good one. You’re a good one.
Thank you, Lynne. Thank you very much. I am inspired.